As far back as I can remember I have always had my own theories about how life really works. When I was a child, I decided that everyone knew; you didn’t get the first two items on your Christmas list because those were usually big and the ones you really wanted, so you needed to change it up and put what you really wanted as number three on the list. If you put what you really wanted behind some things that were even bigger then your mom and dad felt like they were choosing a compromise, and were giving you what you wanted but not going over the top. I remember one year, when I was 18 I thought I was being very clever when I wrote out my wish list. I put
1. A car
2. Trip to Europe
3. Condomaximum.
I didn’t want a condominium that was small thinking I wanted something bigger. Yes as you can imagine my folks got quite a chuckle from that, and I didn’t get any of them so much for that theory. In spite of that, it did not stop me from theorizing about life, which I continue to do to this day. The fault in my theory lay in the fact that I was still writing a wish list at the age of 18, only kids have Santa wish lists that must have been the problem I reasoned. Having given you a brief glimpse into my thought processes, I will never forget the day, it is burned into my mind, March 5th 1996, when the realtor with heartfelt congratulations, handed over the keys to my first ever condominium. The elation, pride and other emotions I felt at that moment are beyond description.
I knew I had stepped across the invisible barrier; I was truly a grown up. I had a real address and a 30-year mortgage to prove it. Then the inevitable doubts crept in and brought me back down to earth. I was 30 years old and had just committed myself to monthly mortgage payments for the next 30 years of my life, what was I thinking? I could not do this, could I? While at the same time I was jumping for joy, it was mine, mine all mine. I had a brief thought about getting a sleeping bag, throwing it on the floor and spending my first night, in my new place but decided against it because I had a multitude of nights ahead to sleep there, and in a bed no less.
During the time I was looking for the condo and working out the details for the purchase, I was living with my parents after a brief foray as an apartment dweller. We had settled into a congenial existence with each other. No matter how old you are, when you are living with your parents, you are still the child and they are the adults, it is inherent in the relationship. So, on that magical day when I took possession of the keys to my place; I thought to myself, my house, my rules. Yes! my rules after all those lectures I had endured growing up, which included the words, “my house, my rules.” Now it was my house and so, de facto my rules. No rules is what that truly meant to me. It would be liberating having no one telling me what to do, when to go to bed, giving me the look if came home too late, I could do whatever I wanted. When all those thoughts are rolling around in your head it sounds good, like living in Fantasyland. But it isn’t real, there is no once upon a time or happily ever after. Life requires boundaries, rules and self-disciple. That I thought l could live without those things proved, that legally I might be an adult but I was far from being mature.
The correct word to describe the situation was immature. The day I realized that I was the person who could and needed to make the rules and live a life of self-discipline and control, was the major turning point in my life. It started me on the journey to becoming the person I am today. During those first weeks and months in my new home, I came to understand why rules exist and that I needed to choose to be actively involved in the decisions that would shape my life instead of just letting things happen. Life requires planning and daily attention to the details. I found this quote by Zig Ziglar, and accepted its truths. "What you get by reaching your
destination is not nearly as important as what you will become
by reaching your destination." When I stopped and looked around, I realized I wanted all those things and the lifestyle my parents had, but didn’t want to put in the hard work, or dedication to get them. I wanted them the easy way; but alas life doesn’t work like that.
Yes the easy way I chose was buying on credit. When I started furnishing and decorating my house, I was content to find many of my bigger pieces of furniture, couch, dining room table and chairs, at the thrift store or I gladly received them as gifts from family or friends. However, it is the little stuff that gets you like brooms, dishes, silverware, pictures, towels, etc.. they add up. I happily kept the plastic within easy reach, and swiped it often. My credit card balances were the proof of this behavior. It didn’t take all that long and I was over $6,000 in debt. I guess you really know how grown up you are when; you are in debt and there is no one to bail you out and you don’t want to ask your parents, because that would require actually admitting not only can you not do it on your own, but that you were not as grown up as you thought. I was willing to do almost anything to avoid admitting such a shameful thing, or at least I thought so. Oh such a conundrum.
I had a good-looking house but not much money for a life. I learned an important lesson which is stuff does not make a life, but the choices and the person we are or are becoming is what makes a life. I have often heard people say, don’t work so hard making a living that you forget to make a life. When I was younger, this didn’t make sense to me. They are they the same thing I thought to myself. My lack of rules, boundaries and planning had created the mess I found myself in. I was beginning to realize that all of those lectures contained things my parents were trying to teach me. They wanted the best for me. Despite that it was up to me to make good choices and decisions, which would ultimately make the distinction between the chaotic life I was living and the life I really wanted. I ultimately controlled the way I lived my life, by choice or lack there of. This was the first time I had lived by myself, so there was no one to blame for the dishes in the sink, or the dirty bathroom, it was all me. I recognized that I could chose the life I wanted, I could be a slob or I could have a tidy place where I was not embarrassed to invite people over. I don’t remember the exact day but it was in August of 1998, I decided to take control of my life, that is the day I grew up.
When we as a society use the word grown up, we mean one of two things, to be a legal adult or to be mature. The distinction between the two is vast. At 18 years old, a person is considered to be a legal adult, with the ability to sign contracts and vote, but maturity is a different matter all together. I had thought because I could sign a legal document and assume financial responsibility it made me a grown up. In my own mind, that meant mature. In retrospect I was far from mature but instead this was the first step in the process; when I signed that piece of paper it was the first step leading me toward maturity. I often acknowledge that I learn the most from adversity. Good times are fun, and remembered fondly, but the life lessons learned from difficulties are what create character that is ultimately when we can look at our self and say that I am a mature adult, a grown up.
